I am so tired

I am tired. But not tired like when you have had a long day/week at work or at school, a different type of tired. Tired of life. Tired of fleeing away. Tired of feeling lost. Tired of feeling sad. Tired of crying. Tired of not being able to enjoy life to its fullest because of my demons. Tired of feeling alone despite having people who genuinely care for me. Tired of not reminding myself I deserve better. Tired of hurting others and not being aware. I am tired of not being more helpful, of not seeing my worth, of feeling guilty. Tired of feeling ungrateful for not appreciating I am able to wake up every morning, to be healthy and young.

On top of all that, I am also tired of temporary love, temporary relationships, plans, life events… I feel really lost. No purpose, no dreams, no future. Just trapped in the daily now with only one goal, to heal. I am tired of knowing what I need and not being able to make it possible. I am tired of not being brave enough to be more determinant. Tired of trying knowing the outcome will not be beneficial. I am tired of being tired… I am especially tired now that I do not know who I am anymore. Tired of not being able to make sense or know what I need or what I want. Tired of questioning myself for everything. Tired of not understanding what is going on in my life. I am so tired…

tired-of-trying

 

Elba-Kiwinka

You don’t own me

Dear Academia and academic writing/research standards…

You don’t own me
Don’t try to change me in any way
You don’t own me
Don’t tie me down ’cause I’d never stay

And don’t tell me what to do
Oh, don’t tell me what to say
And please, “let me write my way”
“A fuss you don’t need to make”

I don’t tell you what to say
Oh, don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you

I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
To “write my Thesis” the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

You don’t own me

 

Tonight

It was just tonight when I needed you the most, that I knew I wouldn’t be able to have you. Just now that my world is collapsing and my soul is so shattered that it cannot bear it any longer. Just tonight that my baggage was heavier. Tonight you aren’t there to help me. And I needed your help. I need it. I need you. But you aren’t there. I just need to share with you that part of me that few know about, and among all of them, you were my first thought.  Then I realized that you wouldn’t be there. Not tonight, not when I needed you the most. So vulnerable! So scared. It was a very sad revelation, I started to see a different reality before me. Who you are is the most beautiful discovery in my life. Who you are is, tonight, painful. Oh! Beautiful creature, full of love to give… But not tonight, at least not to me, just when I need you the most.

AND still the cutest kitten.

 

desperation-quotes-7

Elba-Kiwinka

I want it all, 2016

 

“I Want It All”

Adventure seeker on an empty street,
Just an alley creeper, light on his feet
A young fighter screaming, with no time for doubt
With the pain and anger can’t see a way out,
It ain’t much I’m asking, I heard him say,
Gotta find me a future move out of my way,
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,

Listen all you people, come gather round
I gotta get me a game plan, gotta shake you to the ground
Just give me what I know is mine,
People do you hear me, just give me the sign,
It ain’t much I’m asking, if you want the truth
Here’s to the future for the dreams of youth,
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,

I’m a man with a one track mind,
So much to do in one life time (people do you hear me)
Not a man for compromise and where’s and why’s and living lies
So I’m living it all, yes I’m living it all,
And I’m giving it all, and I’m giving it all,
It ain’t much I’m asking, if you want the truth,
Here’s to the future, hear the cry of youth,
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,
[etc.]

The importance of supervisors’ personal skills

I have just read the post on The Thesis Whisperer, When good supervisors go bad… and I am speechless.

The doctoral journey is already a lonely, hard and stressful period in life which can become a real nightmare without the support of your supervisors. Particularly, we, international students, are the most vulnerable group of students because of the different variables our life is subjected to; being ‘loneliness’ one of the most influential.

Personal skills are fundamental in our daily life and interactions with other people… we are human beings!! However, some people seem to have poorly developed their personal skills. Regarding supervisors, these personal skills need to be a must! Sometimes people forget they are dealing with human beings not with numbers, diplomas, publications… with HUMAN BEINGS. If your supervisee is not doing well, or doing things as you expect as a supervisors, instead of putting aside, why not asking and supporting?

Also, intercultural skills are essential… You should not impose any type of behavior, study technique, approach to learning/writing a thesis as a supervisor. First try to understand the cultural background of your supervisee and try to make both connections and contrasts between both cultures. I know many supervisors are too busy with their academic life but hey, human relationships should be a priority in Education…

Education has been dehumanized, and that is really sad and negative…

Cheers!

Elba-Kiwinka

A FRESH START

HOLA 🙂

Welcome to my blog number… 3? 5? I have tried to have long-term relationships with my blogs but always gave/split up. However, this is my first blog in English so I am quite hopeful. This blog could be my Mr. Right!

I will be sharing random thoughts around my life… Just because.

Elba-Kiwinka

PS: Because English is my second language, please pardon both my English and my French!